Monday, April 16, 2012

Purging my brain, feeling the failure of my life

my grandma died March 31, 2012, I never knew if she was proud of me, I knew she got all grandma like when she got pictures of my kids and talked to them on the phone
seeing her in her last week was a blessing we had 3 glorious days of clarity and she got to see and talk with her great grand kids got to meet my son for the first time and she held his face and asked him all the grandma questions. got to see my daughter for the second time. She was proud called them brilliant and wonderful.

Come to find out she was not the woman i grew up knowing as Grandma, she wasn't even the woman my cousin grew up knowing. She had mellowed and became more affectionate.

I am rock bottom in the depth of I dont know what the hell it is
I want to be gone poof fluff on the wind
I am feeling like every time I open my mouth it is misconstrued or taken wrong or should never been opened.
It is obvious that something is different about me
I am trying to change how I live in my life to meet someones elses needs and I am failing at that I keep getting asked if I am OK
I get up in the morning get the kids off to school then go back to bed and sleep until my husband leaves for work then I putter around the house cleaning here or there not really doing much more than I normally do so I can have energy to be present for him when he gets home knowing he has hours before he is ready for sleep.
It went un noticed for a few days even though i sat here trying to connect and well that is a work in progress i guess that connection thing we have more practice not being

I am done, I have closed Facebook and basically made it clear that I am fucked up royally
I am shutting down waiting for the Yes we are going to do it conversation stop being a going through the motions and life getting back to how it has been for the last 13 yrs and then I will wait for the death of it

waiting for the shoe to drop waiting for the end of my life as i know it to be
I am tired of failing and being a disapointment and only good for sucking cock (I am good at it) one of the very few things I am regularly told I am good at.

I am tired of knowing that I am not worth anymore effort and being lied to about how much I am loved
I am rambling and venting and well purging my brain and this too will be read and twisted and used against me I will be made to defend my feelings as real as they are and I will be demanded in some way to apologize for them because I am ungrateful and wrong for feeling what I feel

when will I be enough
when will I be OK the way i am

I am tired

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