Keep your word to your self first

My last entry was a P90x redo into my b day tattoo flop
I  have not kept my commitment to my self ...I suck
If you cant keep your own word to yourself then what value are you to your family and friends and how in the hell can you keep your word to them.....

I have a long time friend that is having health issues with high BP and sleep apnea and leg back pain among other things and the meds and the needed weight loss.
its like we reached out at the same time and now being across the country how do we keep each other accountable

You stay accountable to your self and just keep supporting the others with out the i told you so or shame or blame
you cant blame anyone but yourself

I have had a year of not doing for my self with this weight  that I keep talking about and like I bitch at my husband stop talking and start doing

I have a Pinterest board with tons of body weight workouts that I can tap into and other outlets to keep off the boredom so now today TODAY I am going to keep myself accountable and blog about it as I do it with all the self talk about why not and the do to shut it all up

I CARE THAT IS ENOUGH

as I just answered the phone and perused Facebook while I was waiting for water for coffee this just popped up and BLAM right in my face
#4,5,8,& 10 as well and various degrees of the rest all my life.

Only I can control and change how my health is and in doing so I will bring along my kids and husband because when I am feeling good they see it and the attitude and mood in my home is great

GREAT!!!!!! :)

So stay posted and see how this 200lb 5'5" person changes grows and shrinks
Yes there will be photos * embarrassed*

P90X day one (again) leading to my tattoo

tonight will be the start of P90X for the third time


third is the charm right :) 

leading into my birthday tattoo
I have wanted this tattoo since its creation :D

A reminder to be OK , that I am OK
was never judged, criticized, made fun of 
silence was allowed
smiles were always there, left feeling good every time.

P90X is about rocking it full out making my body what it should be not, what I have made it
letting go of the crap and pushing through it all
like walking on fire (need to do that again) push through all the crap its not who I am anymore and I am done living in it

the tattoo is for me and this body is mine and I will have it smokin better than ever only I can change this only I have to live with it  since my last P90X post nothing about my body has changed all the numbers are the same weight is the same, my body however is carrying it very differently. My life gift to me this year is a fit body and a rocking tattoo!!!
no more clutter no more other peoples drama no more past only right now this minute today.

P90X is about rocking it full out making my body what it should be not, what I have made it 
letting go of the crap and pushing through it all 
like walking on fire (need to do that again) push through all the crap its not who I am anymore and I am done living in it
the tattoo is for me and this body is mine and I will have it smokin better than ever only I can change this only I have to live with it  since my last P90X post nothing about my body has changed all the numbers are the same weight is the same, my body however is carrying it very differently. My life gift to me this year is a fit body and a rocking tattoo!!!
no more clutter no more other peoples drama no more past only right now this minute today.

the tattoo is for me and this body is mine and I will have it smokin better than ever only I can change this only I have to live with it  since my last P90X post nothing about my body has changed all the numbers are the same weight is the same, my body however is carrying it very differently. My life gift to me this year is a fit body and a rocking tattoo!!!
no more clutter no more other peoples drama no more past only right now this minute today.







a time in my life where I was allowed to just be me, as I am, at that moment 
LIVING IT OUT LOUD AND ROCKING IT LOUD

Purging my brain, feeling the failure of my life

my grandma died March 31, 2012, I never knew if she was proud of me, I knew she got all grandma like when she got pictures of my kids and talked to them on the phone
seeing her in her last week was a blessing we had 3 glorious days of clarity and she got to see and talk with her great grand kids got to meet my son for the first time and she held his face and asked him all the grandma questions. got to see my daughter for the second time. She was proud called them brilliant and wonderful.

Come to find out she was not the woman i grew up knowing as Grandma, she wasn't even the woman my cousin grew up knowing. She had mellowed and became more affectionate.

I am rock bottom in the depth of I dont know what the hell it is
I want to be gone poof fluff on the wind
I am feeling like every time I open my mouth it is misconstrued or taken wrong or should never been opened.
It is obvious that something is different about me
I am trying to change how I live in my life to meet someones elses needs and I am failing at that I keep getting asked if I am OK
I get up in the morning get the kids off to school then go back to bed and sleep until my husband leaves for work then I putter around the house cleaning here or there not really doing much more than I normally do so I can have energy to be present for him when he gets home knowing he has hours before he is ready for sleep.
It went un noticed for a few days even though i sat here trying to connect and well that is a work in progress i guess that connection thing we have more practice not being


I am done, I have closed Facebook and basically made it clear that I am fucked up royally
I am shutting down waiting for the Yes we are going to do it conversation stop being a going through the motions and life getting back to how it has been for the last 13 yrs and then I will wait for the death of it

waiting for the shoe to drop waiting for the end of my life as i know it to be
I am tired of failing and being a disapointment and only good for sucking cock (I am good at it) one of the very few things I am regularly told I am good at.

I am tired of knowing that I am not worth anymore effort and being lied to about how much I am loved
I am rambling and venting and well purging my brain and this too will be read and twisted and used against me I will be made to defend my feelings as real as they are and I will be demanded in some way to apologize for them because I am ungrateful and wrong for feeling what I feel

when will I be enough
when will I be OK the way i am



I am tired